By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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