That's when you crack a 10am beer
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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