I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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