I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
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I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
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Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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