I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
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That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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