The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
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Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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