my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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