Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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