just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't think brook has ever known best
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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