Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
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he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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