Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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