You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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