Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
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Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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