Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
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She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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