im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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