he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
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I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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