I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
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You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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