The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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