i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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