i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
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"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
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Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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