Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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