my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I smell like Dick and happiness
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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