Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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