Ambien. No doubt about it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize