that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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