So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
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I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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