They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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