I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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