So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My dick has a subreddit
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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