apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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