1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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