ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
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The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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