Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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