Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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