i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
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The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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