I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
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I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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