im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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