boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my liver is dry heaving
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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