Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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