rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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