I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
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He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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