At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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