I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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