"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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