please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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