someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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