god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
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when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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