Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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