I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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