My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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